Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
All the doctor said was why
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
