I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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