I wannas sexs uuuuu
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
ttyl tear gas
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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