the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
