you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
