My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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