I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
