mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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