if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
