you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
