Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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