cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
