this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
