Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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