i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
