The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
