i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
