If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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