dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
