you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
