I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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