We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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