Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER