I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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