So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.