my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
