How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
