I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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