but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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