Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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