She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i out mim tonsoeep
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
