I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
