You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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