If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
