I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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