I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
