there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
