Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
