yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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