i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
