my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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