You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
