I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
