he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
