how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
