ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
