is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
