I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
