apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
