Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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