I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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