he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
