Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
