so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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