my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
