Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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