Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
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Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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